Relationships - Are You Ready?

Teachable Woman Podcast

Division 2 – Relationships – Are You Ready?

Reverends Michele Owes and Diana P. Cherry

[00:00:00] Rev. Michele Owes: Welcome, welcome. We are so excited to have you back with the Teachable Woman Podcast. I'm Reverend Michele Owes, and we have the Reverend Mrs. Diana P. Cherry with us today. Together we are Teachers of Good Things. In our last podcast, we talked about relationships. Before I get to my review, Mrs. Cherry, will you say hello to our guests?

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Hello, everyone. Are you excited? I didn't hear you.

Rev. Michele Owes: Yes!

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: I am excited! Well, we're excited, and we're ready to see you at the Women's Retreat in Houston, Texas.

Rev. Michele Owes: Amen. Amen. We are definitely ready for that. We are 20 days away, 21 days away. Yes, exactly 3 weeks. I am excited. Well, we have [00:01:00] properly prepared, and we're going to continue to make sure that all things are well so that when you get here, we just have the opportunity to have a great time in the moment.

Rev. Michele Owes: Amen.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Amen.

Rev. Michele Owes: All right, so now we will do a brief review of our last couple of podcasts. We talked about relationships, and we started with the fact that our relationship with God is the first and primary one. We should make sure that there's maintenance work always going on in it. We should be in our prayer closets and reading the word.

Rev. Michele Owes: If we haven't found a local church, we need to get there because there are some things that we'll learn at the local church that will teach us about who we are in Christ Jesus. One of the things that we used to share was to find a Bible-believing, Bible-teaching church.

[00:02:00] Rev. Michele Owes: One of our sayings at From the Heart is, don't believe me if I can't show it to you in the word. You want to ensure that you get someplace teaching the Bible and not man's opinion. All right, then we talked about the Woman at the Well. We talked about the fact that she had many relationships, she tried out relationships, and she met Jesus at the well, and he could tell her all about her past.

Rev. Michele Owes: Meeting Jesus was the one relationship that she really needed. And after meeting him, she became the witness she was created to be. She went back to her village and said, come see a man that told me all about me. The men of her village came because of her words. And Jesus sat with them and taught them.

Rev. Michele Owes: And they convinced him to stay with them for two days. And He shared and divided the word with them, at the end of His time, they told [00:03:00] the woman, we now believe not because of what you said, but because of what He said. And ultimately, that is how we want our relationships to go. As we meet young men, these wonderful manifestations of God's creative ability, we want to ensure that introducing ourselves is not the goal.

Rev. Michele Owes: But that they get to know our Savior, Jesus Christ. Once they get to know him, we become a witness to them. It's His job to let us know if they're fit and adaptable and if we're fit and adaptable. If it will work, it's His job to let us know. Amen. All right, Mrs. Cherry, share with us.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Okay. I used to ask myself early in the early days of ministry. If Christ was married to me, what kind of day would he have as I [00:04:00] sent him out from our home to do the work of the Lord? And we know Jesus was not married, was not going to get married, and wouldn't even think about any of us. But my husband was a man of God. So, I took that question to mean that I should do the best that I could to make sure that my husband was in the best possible state to minister to God as he left our home to go out and face all of the various situations and circumstances that we face in the ministry.

I think that for many of us women, we need to examine ourselves. And ask ourselves, kind of person, what kind of a woman am I? How ready am I to take on the mantle of marriage? Remember, to be married means that we're [00:05:00] institutionalized. We're in an institution without the possibility of parole. It is a lifetime commitment to an imperfect person. I think that if we would stop seeing ourselves perhaps as what we might not be, really be, and take a rational look at ourselves, it would slow us down to such an extent that we could say what you said in the last podcast, and that is brother, I don't want you to marry me one minute before you're ready and before I'm ready. Otherwise, we're doomed to failure, and marriage should be a lifetime commitment. It is to an imperfect person because the only perfect person has sense enough not to get involved in a marriage.

Rev. Michele Owes: She said that she said that. I never asked myself the question that you ask yourself. I'm pretty glad I didn't, you know, there [00:06:00] are some days I would've failed the mark in terms of how they go out. I do want to talk about the value of that question and what it is an indication of.

Rev. Michele Owes: You're not thinking selfishly. You are thinking about the other person more than you are thinking about yourself. You have crossed over to the other side, to the well-being of not only your husband but making sure that he's in a position where he can teach the Word of God in such a way that the people can continue to grow and develop.

Rev. Michele Owes: You're not thinking about yourself. The two of you have really become one in this respect because, as a pastor, that is your major concern that your mind is always clear. And you're not befuddled with the other [00:07:00] issues of life. So, as a woman, that's a good question to ask ourselves: are we in a position to not think about ourselves so much and begin to think of that other person? Can we think of what is the best good for them?

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Yes, we must realize that we might not be the best good for them. If we have not developed a true living, lively, loving relationship with God, we probably need to spend a little more time on self-development. If we're not pleased with who we are, why would we expect someone else to be pleased with us? And that goes beyond fleshy. Most men will tell you almost [00:08:00] anybody can satisfy the fleshly part of a man or a woman, but we want to go beyond that. We want to make a difference in the life of whoever it is that we're thinking about marrying. If we are not pleased with ourselves and don't like being alone with ourselves and God, how can we expect that we're ready to be committed and submitted to another person? It's like the person who asked you how long we are supposed to do this submitted thing. How am I supposed to stay submitted? Until death do us part. The big question for all women, I think, is am I ready? Am I ready to make a no-hold-barred commitment [00:09:00] to an imperfect person who is imperfect and so are we?

Rev. Michele Owes: I love that you said just like me. It's so easy to find everything wrong with the other person, as though there was some perfection on the other end. Right. If you're thinking right now, well, my husband gets on my nerves, I guarantee you, you get on his, too.

Rev. Michele Owes: How they handle getting on each other’s nerves is different. I think it's all part of the two trying to become one and to be able to accept that a person doesn't have to be exactly like me. They don't have to fold up the towels like I do. They don't always have to want the house neat and clean. They have to be able to put their jacket down when they walk in the door. Whatever the nitpicky things are, we're used to doing because we live alone. We want someone else to walk in the exact same way that we [00:10:00] set for ourselves.

Rev. Michele Owes: But the real question that Mrs. Cherry brought before us is, are we pleased with ourselves? Are we in a position where we can bring our best selves into a relationship and bring some joy into that relationship? And not be so dependent upon that other person to meet whatever lack we have. That is a big question.

Rev. Michele Owes: That is a big question. I used to say some lighter things: if you're still struggling to make up your bed in the morning, why put two people in it? If there's no organization, if your clothes are still on the floor, why have two people's clothes on the floor? It's just more to clean up when you do finally get to them.

Rev. Michele Owes: Can you take care of the house, or the room, or the apartment that you have? If it's a challenge for you by yourself, it's going [00:11:00] to be a double challenge. If you're slow to pay your bills on time. They must call you to remind you. You don't want to come home, and the lights are cut off. How do you explain that the money's in the account, but you just didn't pay the bill?

Rev. Michele Owes: If you're still working on these things, there's nothing wrong with that, but we all must learn to be responsible so that life can be smoother for us. What we don't want to do is involve someone else in the things that we sometimes don't remember to do. It is important for life for things to go smoothly.

Rev. Michele Owes: When you're looking to have another person as part of your daily life, what you don't want to add is trauma and drama. You want to add that you have considered one another. I never want my husband to come [00:12:00] home, and the lights are off. I can manage my spending, right? I don't need that bag. I don't have to go out to dinner.

Rev. Michele Owes: I'm going to pay the light bill and the gas. We're going to have gas because it is the cheapest utility. I think the gas company is personally my only friend of utilities because they are reasonable. For all the other things that we're responsible for, we need to have a calendar that marks down when those things are due and makes sure that we're paying them on time.

Rev. Michele Owes: Do that for ourselves 1st.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Then we must realize that the unmarried state is really a blessed state. In the unmarried state, our primary responsibility is to care for the things of the Lord and how we might please him. This is the only time [00:13:00] that we really have that uninterrupted time of fellowship with God. I used to teach at the parent church that unmarried people are really the ones who should be running things at the church. When I was unmarried, we were the ones who were unencumbered. As married, it is how we could please our husbands. The unmarried are not encumbered with those kinds of things. Your primary duty as an unmarried person is to care for the things of the Lord. Most churches operate contrary to that.

Rev. Michele Owes: Yes.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Most of our churches are run by couples who are just burdened with the church's work. We have so many unmarried people who just think that their lives are frivolous and meaningless and that they can do [00:14:00] what they want to do.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: But this is when we should make serving God our first priority. And believe me, if He's not our first priority, there is no way that we're going to be ready to enter into a new state where we are responsible for caring for our mate, care for that person that we're looking at with googly eyes.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: The unmarried state is a blessed state. You are in a position to take your time, in a position to maximize everything that you have. When you eat, your whole family is fed. We have to learn to really appreciate and celebrate the unmarried state. It's a wonderful time. You can learn about [00:15:00] yourself. You can learn what you like and what you don't like. That makes you better prepared to identify people who won't fit into the mold of your likes or dislikes. This is a time of perfecting, and rather than being over-excited or anxious about seeking a mate. We must settle down, especially women, and let that man or perspective mate, find us.

Rev. Michele Owes: Yes.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: We're not supposed to be looking, and seeking, and going googly cockeyed eye at every good-looking hunk we see. We should be content. That's a good judge of are you ready? Are you content in the state that you're in? That's a big question. Do you have peace and joy? Can you [00:16:00] go to bed at night and sleep? You don't have all these things worrying you or bothering you. Be at peace, be content with yourself as you are. Only when you have attained contentment and peacefulness in and with yourself are you ready to consider or be considered by someone else.

Rev. Michele Owes: Amen. I was once told that a man can smell confidence. Essentially that is what we're talking about. That inner peace and knowing about who you are is confidence. Our confidence is in the Lord, and we're okay with who He created us to be, how he created us, how we're shaped, how we're molded, and what we do.

Rev. Michele Owes: When we get to that point, the point that I said we can be in a good place with God, then we can turn down what we know will not [00:17:00] work for us. We can see what will be good for us. That is an inner knowing that God's got me. He's going to help me make the right decision for my life.

Rev. Michele Owes: Marriage is a major step. It is a major change. The two are becoming one. It's painful because you're separate but have to become one. It's not just glue. You're having to meld into one another. My children used to say that my husband and I finished each other's sentences, and we were always saying the same thing, even if we were in two totally different rooms at two totally different times.

Rev. Michele Owes: They’d say, I can’t believe how one the two of you are. It really angered them because we were one. But the point is I learned enough [00:18:00] about what he wanted for our children. He learned enough about what I wanted for our children. There was no playing one against the other. There was no gray area.

Rev. Michele Owes: We settled those things. We were able to do that. My question is, are you ready to meld into someone else and allow them to meld into you?

This makes me realize that some of us have hurts, traumas, and past baggage that we've not yet worked out. We've not had a chance to lay before the Lord with it.

Rev. Michele Owes: We've not sought God's word as to how to deal with or manage it. We have not gone to any licensed professionals who could help [00:19:00] us unpack all the details. We have it, and we're holding it, and it's heavy. We can be somewhere, and there's a trigger to all of our trauma and our reaction we don't understand, nor can we explain.

Rev. Michele Owes: You don't want to take that into a marriage. You want to work that out before you bring that to someone else and expect them to be your counselor, teacher, and helper. You cannot get on with the details of the marriage because we're nursing this thing.

Rev. Michele Owes: If both of you come in with trauma, well, we're just going to be in trauma because neither one of us has dealt with the issues of our life. It's important that if you're considering someone to marry and you know there's [00:20:00] trauma in their story, gently talk with them about making sure they get help in that area.

Rev. Michele Owes: And you do the same.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: One of the things that you did that was so outstanding in your funeral message that you shared on the last podcast. I'm not sure if you really realize the depth of the statement. I don't want you to marry me one minute before you're ready and not one minute before I'm ready. I just think that that's a message. I believe that for all of us who are listening to this podcast if we could develop that kind of an outlook, that kind of an attitude. I believe [00:21:00] it would cause such deep introspection that we would make the necessary changes to be content in the state that we're in. Then we could recognize the fact that we're not ready yet if we are indeed not ready. I think another good way to examine our readiness is to ask yourself, are you pleased with how you look? Women have such a perverted outlook on what femininity is and what good looks are. Good looks really are good on the inside and letting it reflect on the outside,

Rev. Michele Owes: Yes.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: It doesn't come in makeup, and all of us wear makeup.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: I've got on some even now.

[00:22:00] Rev. Michele Owes: Me too.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: We all go for styles and things like that. That's okay. But that's not who you are.

Rev. Michele Owes: Amen.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Do you love yourself as you are? And if you love yourself, don’t allow anyone to use, misuse, or abuse you and make you feel less than you know you are.

Rev. Michele Owes: Amen.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Amen. You're important to God.

Rev. Michele Owes: Yes.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: And important to us. You're important to the plan of God, and we love you. Therefore, we teach like we do.

Rev. Michele Owes: Amen. John 15:12 states, This is my commandment that ye love one another as I have loved you. When we talk about loving someone, Jesus expects us to love that person the way He loves us. There's a lot of forgiveness in that love. There is a lot of protection in that love. There is [00:23:00] a lot of open arms and unconditional acceptance of us as who we are in that love.

Rev. Michele Owes: There are so many things. There's peace in that love. There's joy in that love. The way that He has loved us, there's longsuffering. How long did He have to wait until we could recognize Him as Lord? I'm going really over the fruit of the spirit. There's faithfulness and temperance. There is so much in the love that God has provided for us.

Rev. Michele Owes: There's goodness and meekness. Can we measure by those standards? Can we measure the love we're prepared to give someone else the way we love ourselves? Can we measure by those standards? [00:24:00] Sometimes, we are our own worst enemy. We are our hardest critic. We can be beautiful women, but we still think we need a nip, a tuck, or something else.

Rev. Michele Owes: Mrs. Cherry gave us the answer to beauty, and it starts on the inside. We love our Savior and love ourselves. That comes out in a kind of confidence that draws. When a man feels like he has someone who knows who they are in Christ Jesus and is able to face the storms of life with them, that's a different story.

Rev. Michele Owes: That's a different story. When you get married, everything doesn't, quote, get better. You're working together over the storms of life because life is difficult. It's difficult when we are single. It's difficult to be [00:25:00] married. It's difficult to be divorced. It's difficult to be widowed.

Rev. Michele Owes: Are there any other states?

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: That's it.

Rev. Michele Owes: This is a big part of it. We do have a God that is built for two times, and it will follow the roadmap. He is our journey. Jesus is our destination, and He has the way because He is the way. He is the truth, and He is life. He is our destination, and He is going to show us how to manage ourselves in these relationships.

Rev. Michele Owes: One of the things that my husband and I learned to do, we didn't start off this way, but we went to every marriage enrichment our church had. We learned to pray before we spoke in anger. Once you pray and give it to [00:26:00] God, it is amazing how God can change your heart and your mind about how you were thinking about a thing.

Rev. Michele Owes: And we also learned that when two people disagree, it doesn't necessarily mean that either of you is wrong. It means that you have not yet reached God's best answer. There's more work to do until you get to the best answer. Work doesn't take place when we're fussing, cussing, and fighting. Work takes place on our knees. Work takes place when we allow God to make a change in our hearts.

Rev. Michele Owes: If you are married and find that you're facing some storms, how much time have you spent on your knees allowing our Heavenly Father to massage your heart? Sometimes we can be hard of heart when things go wrong. We want to blame someone else, but we're in it. We made the [00:27:00] choice to be in it, and so we work on the storms together.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Amen.

Rev. Michele Owes: It's on.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Sounds good to me.

Rev. Michele Owes: We will bring this podcast to a close. We want to thank you for being our listening audience. We cannot tell you how much it means to us, but I hope you can hear our hearts as we pour out to you from the best we know and what we've received of the Word of God.

Rev. Michele Owes: We're not sharing what we think. We're sharing some very intimate experiences that we have had with our Heavenly Father and our Savior regarding marriage and relationships. We're going to come back and do more of the same. Thank you for being with us on this podcast.

Rev. Michele Owes: See you soon. Bye.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Bye-bye.